Be male-friendly, and men won’t clam up.

On #internationalmensday2023 here’s an article written by Martin Seager and John Barry of The Centre for Male Psychology. Further information can be found here.

You can use ‘A CLAM’ to remember five pointers to help a man who may be in difficulty:

Anger. Anger or irritability can be a sign of stress. Men and women are equal but not identical. Some research finds that men and women in general express stress differently. Men may express depression or trauma not by crying or looking sad, but by being irritable or angry, spending too long on addictive internet activities, or drinking too much or abusing other substances.

Comfortable. Find out what is comfortable for him. The standard therapy room consists of two chairs facing each other. This might sound comfortable, but many men prefer a “shoulder to shoulder” situation with less emphasis on eye contact (see ‘Activities’, below). A therapy clinic can work well if the therapist themselves is genuinely male-friendly, but some men might feel better talking while doing an activity, such as walking in a park or forest.

Life events. What’s going on in his life? Men die by suicide three times more often than women do. This can be related to life events or problems, such as relationship breakdown, legal or financial stress, work problems, or living alone. Or there may be things you don’t know about, such as having difficult seeing his children after divorce or separation, or being a victim of domestic violence, or traumatic issues from his childhood. He might not show it, but these might be impacting him more than anyone realises.

Activities. Try ‘doing’, not just talking. Men are urged to talk about their feelings, but when they do we might not like what we hear. A man might want to talk, but not know who he can trust, feel they won’t be understood, or be unable to take time out of work to talk to someone. Men might prefer to ‘fix the problem’ than talk about their feelings e.g. talk to a lawyer if his worries are caused by a legal issue. Rather than blaming men for not talking about their feelings, it might help to direct a man to a more male-friendly action-orientated activity, such as playing sport with friends, joining a Men’s Shed, or a men’s support group. Men can be very supportive and empathic to each other in groups and during activities, especially if told it is ok to talk about issues with each other.

Myth. See the man, not the myth. Encouraging men to talk, but then interpreting what they say through the filter of an agenda, such as the idea that masculinity or patriarchy are to blame for their problems, might not help to understand the man’s problem, and could even make him feel worse.

Crucible Personal Development is a private psychotherapy and counselling practice in Preston, Lancashire.