We all know someone who seems to have it all together. Their homes are spotless, their work is flawless, and they never seem to put a foot wrong. While admiration might be our first reaction, beneath this veneer of flawlessness often lies a powerful, and sometimes damaging, force: perfectionism. Far from being a virtue, pervasive perfectionism can act as a surprisingly robust defence mechanism, and its relentless grip can cast a long shadow over someone's life.

At its core, shame is an intensely painful feeling of being fundamentally flawed, unworthy, or unacceptable. It’s not just about doing something wrong (that’s guilt); it’s about being wrong. Think of guilt as saying, "I made a mistake," while shame whispers, "I am a mistake." This distinction, highlighted in the work of researchers like Brené Brown, is crucial. Shame attacks our very sense of self.

So, how does this potent emotion take root?