The Pitfalls of Being a People Pleaser: How It Impacts Your Mental Health
The desire to make others happy and avoid conflict is a common trait in many people, but when taken to an extreme, it can lead to a pattern of behaviour known as people-pleasing. People-pleasers constantly prioritize the needs of others over their own, often to avoid conflict, rejection, and abandonment. While this might seem like a selfless and virtuous quality, research suggests that being a people pleaser can have detrimental effects on one's mental health. In this blog post, we will explore the psychological consequences of people-pleasing and delve into the potential reasons behind its development.
People-pleasers go to great lengths to accommodate the wishes and expectations of others, often at the expense of their own well-being. They find it difficult to assert their needs or opinions, fearing that doing so will lead to conflict, rejection, or abandonment. This chronic pattern of behaviour can manifest in various aspects of life, from personal relationships to the workplace.
Several studies have shed light on the negative impact of being a people pleaser on mental health. One key issue is the heightened level of stress that comes with constantly prioritizing others over oneself. A study published in the "Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology" found that individuals who habitually engage in people-pleasing behaviour are more likely to experience increased stress levels and overall poorer mental health. This stress can lead to a range of mental health issues, including anxiety and depression.
One of the primary motivators for people-pleasing behaviour is the fear of rejection. Individuals who have experienced rejection or abandonment in the past may develop a deep-seated fear of it happening again. Consequently, they may go to great lengths to avoid any situation that could lead to rejection, even if it means compromising their own needs. A study conducted by Downey and Feldman (1996) found that individuals with a history of rejection or abandonment were more likely to engage in people-pleasing behaviours as a way to prevent future rejection.
People-pleasers often rely on external validation to feel good about themselves. They seek approval and praise from others as a way to bolster their self-esteem. This dependence on external validation can be emotionally draining and detrimental to one's self-worth. A study published in the "Journal of Personality and Social Psychology" (Hadden, 2018) highlights how individuals who engage in people-pleasing behaviour are more likely to have lower self-esteem and a diminished sense of self-worth.
Being a people pleaser can take a significant toll on one's mental health. The constant effort to meet the needs and expectations of others can lead to feelings of exhaustion and burnout. Moreover, the suppression of one's own needs and emotions can result in a sense of inner turmoil and dissatisfaction.
A study conducted by Alwin and Otten (2012) in the "Journal of Counselling Psychology" found that people-pleasing behaviour was associated with increased levels of emotional distress, anxiety, and depression. The study revealed that those who consistently prioritize others' needs over their own experience higher levels of psychological distress, as they are less likely to engage in self-care and self-compassion.
Breaking Free from People-Pleasing
Recognizing and addressing people-pleasing tendencies is crucial for safeguarding your mental health. It is essential to strike a balance between meeting the needs of others and caring for yourself. Here are some strategies to help break free from the people-pleasing cycle:
1. Self-awareness: Reflect on your behaviour and identify situations where you tend to prioritize others over yourself. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change.
2. Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries in your relationships and communicate your needs assertively. Healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining a balance between your needs and the needs of others.
3. Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you extend to others. Develop a positive self-image and self-esteem that is not reliant on external validation.
4. Seek support: Consider seeking the help of a therapist or counsellor to address the underlying causes of people-pleasing behaviour and develop healthier coping strategies.
While the desire to make others happy is a commendable trait, when taken to the extreme, people-pleasing can have a detrimental impact on mental health. Chronic people-pleasers often experience heightened stress levels, a fear of rejection, low self-esteem, and diminished self-worth. Recognizing these tendencies and taking steps to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing is crucial for maintaining good mental health. With self-awareness, boundaries, self-compassion, and support, individuals can learn to prioritize their own well-being while still nurturing healthy relationships with others.
Crucible Personal Development is a private psychotherapy and counselling practice in Preston, Lancashire.
